So You Survived a Polar Vortex

First off, congratulations. You’ve made it through this winter’s buzzword for terrible weather. It really looked like it was going to go all downhill after we had all of the Snowmageddons and the Snowpocalypses (or is that Snowpocalypsii?), but you’ve done it. And you did it with a fancy vortex, too. Give yourself a big thumbs-up and a pat on the back. Just not too hard, because, statistically speaking, you’ve got frostbite somewhere.

Okay, now that we’ve got the congratulations over, did anyone else hear the term “Polar Vortex”, and then imagine a terrible SyFy movie? Like, Sharknado terrible, except staring the kid from Small Wonder taking on tornadoes comprised of nothing but polar bears? Because that would have been pretty amazing in retrospect. Certainly more amazing than seeing your 1000000th video of people taking boiling water and turning it into steam (although, to be honest, that is a pretty cool trick). It would be less dangerous than urinating steam, to prove a point (because, hey, at least if the polar bears bite your member off, that pain is probably pretty quick). And it would be more fun than hiding inside of your home, hoping that you can just get by with what you’ve already built up, because the mere thought of stepping outside makes all of your extremities shriek in terror.

Of course, if you live in Minnesota (or, really, any Northern area that prides itself a little too much on how it handles cold weather), chances are that you not only embraced the polar vortex, but you spat right into it’s eye (metaphorically speaking, as spit probably ALSO turned to steam in those temperatures). For every 50 people who talked about how cold it was, and how they were hunkering down inside, there was at least 1 person who decided that they would venture outside, performing the types of activity that are normally saved for the months where green is visible in more than just your nostrils. If you were one of those people, congratulations on finding pants big enough to hide your enormous manhood, although the recent temperatures probably made that bit a little easier. Also, stop it. You’re part of the reason other states make fun of yours for living there. When even the Mars Rover is flaunting having warmer temperatures, it’s time to rethink that water-skiing trip to Lake Superior.

But, alas and alack, the temperatures are currently inching upwards. By the end of the week, at least for the Upper Midwest, there will be the ability to step outside without doing your best A Christmas Story impression. So, how can you possibly cope with suddenly warmer surroundings?

1. Take an ice bath.

Pro athletes do it all the time, and look at how much they get paid!

2. Empty out your freezer, and then see if you can fit inside it for a couple of minutes.

Truth be told, it’ll probably be warmer than it was over the past few days, so you should be able to get a good slalom going on.

3. 20 degrees above zero? Turn on the AC!

After all, you certainly wouldn’t want the neighbors to start thinking that you’re too comfortable. As an added bonus, if you turn the AC up high enough, you can actually make it feel legitimately warm outside.

4. Learn how to skin animals, turning their pelts into furs to wear around the house.

This sort of weather pattern is sure to repeat itself, so don’t let your guard down for an instant.

5. Take a moment to enjoy air that doesn’t immediately freeze your lungs, and maybe go for a nice little walk or something.

Clearly, this isn’t really scientific or medical advice (which you shouldn’t be taking too seriously from a blog anyway), so you may have a better plan for how to spend your warming days.

So there you have it. Just a couple of ideas about how to make it through the warming that is bound to follow the most recent polar vortex. May you keep all of your fingers!