The Walking Dumb: Fear Is Coming

You guys, it’s almost time. Yes, in a little less than a week, the hype will totally pay off as we get to sit back and take in Fear the Walking Dead. Because television has shown us repeatedly that a spin-off of a successful series is always the best thing in the history of things.

Alright, so maybe I’m hoping for something a little closer to Frasier, and a little less like Joey, but there’s still hope. Of course, the biggest hope is coming from the fact that this really is a part of the story that our proud creators haven’t put out in comic format as of yet (unless I’ve terribly missed something, which is totally possible). It’s a chance for us to see the beginnings of the zombie apocalypse; what created the Walkers that traumatize our fearless (albeit stupid) wanderers. It’ll be a chance for us to experience the history in a way we’ve never seen before.

Naturally, given what we’ve been shown for the five (yes, FIVE) seasons of The Walking Dead, we’re expecting some decent levels of moronic action from all of our new recruits as well. Sure, we don’t really know who those people are going to be, so we can’t start guessing who’s going to be the dumbest of them all (is there a character named Gick Rhimes?), but that isn’t going to stop me from speculating about what might happen over the course of this first season of our zombie spin-off. So, without further ado, here are some guesses at things we might see inside Fear the Walking Dead

1. Darryl will have a cameo.

Turns out, our bowman will actually have been on his way to Los Angeles to audition for a role on “America’s Got Ranged Weapons”, and was then tapped to potentially appear in a sequel to the story of a couple of Irish brothers exactly vengeance upon those who have sinned and done them wrong. It was only because of Merle’s insistence that Georgia was throwing filming dollars that Darryl returned to the Atlanta area.

2. Carl will run afoul of the LAPD.

In one of the many moments where nobody actually knew where Carl was, he caught a bus to LA, and ended up in the middle of gang war. Being Carl, he tried to actively antagonize both groups, until the police showed up and told him that he needed to get his act together. Carl immediately falls on the “my dad is a cop” excuse, before vanishing. Lori misses him for a total of 3 hours of his 7 week voyage. Rick is given a pass because he is in a coma.

3. A surfer gets grabbed by one of the newly dead, and tries to give it medicinal marijuana.

Nothing says “California” quite like surfers and weed-for-medicine, so don’t be surprised when both of these tropes are shoehorned into an episode. Of course, at first, the other surfers, who also all somehow have glaucoma, are confident that the Walker is a strangely mutated shark, before they are proven tragically wrong. A lively hacky-sack battle will play out to determine the future course of Netflix.

4. The Governor will be glimpsed as The Alderman

Turns out Philip has long had aspirations towards local government. He only stepped into the Governorship because there was a void at the top levels of government, and he didn’t feel completely comfortable with that. He was originally an alderman in Los Angeles, working tirelessly to make sure that he provided a strong parks department. It is also revealed that his last name is Knope, and that The Walking Dead is a sequel set decades after the events of Parks and Rec.

5. Patient zero will be treated as just some average illness, and no safety precautions will be taken for this new disease.

Come on. There’s no way that they would treat this completely new, random disease in anything less than a serious way. That would lead to the zombie virus spreading across the country, eventually causing problems for people everywhere. It might even lead to a ragtag group in Georgia trying an uprising to save humanity.

6. The entire virus is proven to be a fever dream of Rick’s coma-state.

Yeah, this one’s even less likely than the any medical professional letting the zombie virus spread across the country. Even in a fever dream, Rick should know where Carl is.

We’ll see what comes out of any of these predictions as we watch the first season of Fear the Walking Dead unfold. Of course, I’ll be here to point out stupidity along the way, as we get a nice ramp-up to season six of The Walking Dead in October. See you back here every week!