The Nugget Chronicles: Baby Physics

As any new parent can (and probably will) tell you, babies are supremely interested in physics. In fact, they seem to have an understanding of physics on a quantum level that would boggle the minds of most scientists. Take, for example, the mystery of baby socks. So long as you’re observing the socks directly, they have a tendency to end up in the exact places you expect them to end up. To be clear, this will not be on baby feet, as baby socks are actually just a joke played on parents until the child is almost ready to wear shoes. But, through careful observation, you will be able to see the socks generally end up near the baby’s feet, after they have found a way to wriggle out of them. The moment you stop watching, however, the quantum physics of babies comes into play, and socks will end up at the baby’s shoulder, across the room, or somehow being worn by the family pet. This all happens because you looked away for less than thirty seconds.

This same love of physics is starting to manifest itself in a much messier way for Nugget. I’ve mentioned before how, when babies poop, it’s just never quiet. In fact, it can sometimes be deafening, as whatever they’ve eaten (or, more accurately, whatever mom’s eaten, for those breast-fed babies out there) bellows loudly its escape plan. The cacophony that can erupt from your delicate child’s behind is really quite fascinating (in an admittedly gross sense), and it almost led me to wondering if the Brown Note actually exists, but it can only be heard by infants. However, Nugget, apparently feeling a desire to be demure about these sorts of things, is now starting to play with the physics of sound. Gas eruptions don’t always sound like they’re coming from the baby (and, more often than not, I end up getting blamed for them, because HawtWife doesn’t think her adorable hulkbaby of a child can possibly have that much resonance). And, more dangerously, when there’s actually something accompanying the gas, she’s picking her moments to make it as silent as possible. This is often accompanied by her cooing and squeeling with delight, both because we’re playing with her, and because she knows on some lizard brain level that she’s crafted a truly wondrous “gift” for us to unearth. And, when she’s feeling especially generous, sometimes that gift will have brought along friends that no diaper can withstand. I can’t be the only parent who’s discovered wetness on their shirt, only to discover, in a sad sort of irony, that it clearly isn’t spit up.

And that brings us to the next aspect of physics that babies have found a way to embrace; the ability to get their darling, adorable defecation all over the place, and yet somehow keep the area said defecation erupted from somehow clean. There have been times where Nugget has truly had an epic explosion, only for us to remove the diaper, and find that, for the most part, the interior of the cabin is clean. Not clean enough to eat off of, clearly (and who would want to eat off of a diaper anyway?), but far cleaner than it should be, given the magnitude of what we’ve been left to deal with. She’s also apparently inherited a trait from her father when he was a baby, and that’s to play the most fun game ever, called “How Far Up My Back Can I Poop Myself?” (I’ve mostly grown out of this game. College was a long time ago). Sure, it could all stem to the diapers not quite fitting her behind the way they should (in which case this will be a recurring problem, as both HawtWife and I have been blessed with prominent backsides). But I prefer to believe that Nugget has decided to take control of the situation, using her quantum baby powers to make the biggest mess possible. After all, she’s generally smiling and practicing laughing when we’re cleaning up after her, which is clearly a sign that she believes this all to be a game.

If scientists could harness this quantum understanding that babies have, and use the power for good, we’d have mastered time travel by now. Of course, knowing science, they’d probably find a way to weaponize it, and the battlefield would suddenly be full of people with poop up their backs.

I can’t wait for that feature in the next Call of Duty game.

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